this post contains raw honesty. if that bothers you, stop reading now. you have been forewarned.


today at church Pastor Sébastien said something that really struck me. he made mention of how sometimes as Christians we will live in a way that doesn't believe that God is all-powerful and can work in any and every situation. he also mentioned that while there are some that are like that, what tends to happen is that they are told to stop being so trusting/having so much faith/etc. by other Christians. as he said that, the thought occurred to me: who am i living for? really? am i living for Jesus or am i living to be accepted into the Christian community around me? i knew what i wanted the answer to be, what most Christians want the answer to be. but i also knew in my heart of hearts what the real answer was. i am living to be accepted into the Christian community. 


i realized that it was in the subtle things and not so much in the big things. it's the things that shouldn't really matter that end up mattering. am i up to date on the latest songs? do i watch all the current shows and laugh about episodes that were amusing? do i laugh at the jokes that are sketch to show, yeah i don't have to be a Christian and be a prude? 


why do these things matter so much? why does acceptance matter to me so much? and if it does, shouldn't acceptance by the only One that matters be enough? why do i feel like i am being too prude when people want to watch something that i have felt God telling me i shouldn't be watching? why do i feel like an inconvenience when i am walking with people and refuse to cross at a red? why do i feel like i am taking my relationship with God too seriously? i know the answers to that. it's cause i am living to be accepted by Christians around me as opposed to being accepted by God. it's cause i prefer the praises of man rather than the praises of God. and when that dawned on me today, it shook me. it bothered me so much. i couldn't get that thought out of my head. 


i don't want to be like that. i want to live in the freedom that Christ provides. freedom to do as He says and to follow His guidance, no matter what other Christians may say. as much as my flesh hates it, i want to be that person that is always trusting God. for everything. and expecting big things from Him. 


yes, i know some of you just went all judgmental on me. fine. the only thing that i ask is that you search your own heart and see where you are and honestly judge yourself as well. 

i have found a new love. biscotti. i made some a couple weeks ago for free indeed at my church. it was divine. this evening i was craving something sweet and so i decided, why not biscotti? 

i found a recipe by joy the baker but didn't want to use butter because biscotti isn't supposed to have butter, oil or any liquids. the moisture comes from the eggs that you put in (oh and the vanilla too). i really wanted cinnamon sugar biscotti and so i decided to adapt a recipe that didn't have butter. here's what i did:

recipe adapted from joy of baking.com

3 large eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
2 cups AP flour
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1.5 tsp cinnamon


in a small bowl lightly beat the eggs and vanilla together. set aside.

in a large bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. mix until blended. gradually add the egg mixture and mix until a dough forms. roll dough on a lightly floured surface into a log (i made mine too thick and short so make sure that you make the log long). alternatively, you can separate the dough and make two shorter logs, whichever you prefer. 


transfer dough to a baking sheet lined with parchment paper (i don't use that stuff and so i just buttered my baking sheet - use whatever you want, you just don't want it to stick). bake for 30-40 minutes or until firm to touch. 


remove from oven and let cool for 7-10 minutes. after it cools cut the log into slices using a serrated knife. arrange on a baking sheet. make sure that none of the slices are overlapping each other. 

return the baking pan to the oven and bake the slices for 10 minutes on each side. biscotti should be firm to the touch. 


if you are like me and you like your biscotti chewy, eat right away or wait for them to cool and store in an air-tight container. if you want to be correct and have stone hard biscotti, leave the slices out overnight to harden and then store in an air-tight container. 


delicious! (seriously, i have eaten three slices while writing this post and am working on my fourth - sad i know.)


on another note, my discipler got engaged yesterday. i'm so happy for her! love is definitely in the air in montreal and it's not even valentine's day yet...

i miss my brothers. but i must admit that right now it's for selfish reasons. you see i have a party to go to. fun right? wrong. i'm not much of a party person...okay so i know what some of you are thinking so let me correct that. i'm not much of a party person when i don't know the people that are going to be at the party super well. and that's what it's going to be like tomorrow. on top of that, i have to dress up. and it's supposed to be freezing tomorrow. my legs are gonna die in a dress...

you are probably wondering what this has to do with my brothers. well me being a girl, i usually don't understand how my clothing might be negatively affecting a guy. this is where my brothers come in. you see when i am at home i ask them about my outfit - is it appropriate, is the top too low, if a girl that was not related to you was wearing this would it be problematic, etc. with them not being here i only have girls to ask those questions to. i know that doesn't seem like a problem but girls don't understand guy's struggles the way that guys do so a lot of the time they ok an outfit that shouldn't be okayed (if that makes any sense at all). and asking a guy friend is just too weird, and awkward.

i don't know what i am going to do. maybe i'll just stick to an outfit i already has my brotherly stamp of approval...

i am jealous of my friend K. why? she's in love. you can tell. last time i saw her she was glowing. no joke. i didn't think that was possible, but it is. when she talks her eyes light up. it's really beautiful to see. so why am i jealous? i want it. i want to be in love with Jesus just like she is. yes, you read that correctly, she is in love with Jesus.

as i have been pondering this the last few days i couldn't help but think about parallels in a dating relationship and our relationship with God (or at least, what it should look like). when you start dating someone (and this is coming from a person with next to no experience so if i get a few things wrong, please forgive) you want to think about them all the time. you want to be with them all the time. you want to talk to them all the time. you want to talk about them all the time (much to your friend's dismay). you have this dreamy look on your face that makes you out to be some airheaded loser. but you don't care cause you are in love.

why can't our relationship with God be like that? why don't i want to think about God all the time? why don't i want to spend time with God all the time? why don't i want to talk to God all the time? why don't i want to talk about God all the time? if Jesus is supposed to be my first love, if He is my everything, then why do i treat Him like an ex-boyfriend that i am kinda friends with but not really?

i want to be like my friend K. i want to have that glow whenever i talk about Jesus. i want to have that stupid grin on my face when i realize how much i am loved by the creator of the universe. i want to be in love...with Jesus.

falling down is not something that i am good at.

perhaps i should explain. today i had the privilege to eat lunch with Holly Sheldon (one of the main speakers at Winter Conference) and some of the other staff women. i loved being at lunch and learned a lot from Holly. she is very knowledgeable and i just wanted to soak in everything she said. part way through i remember thinking that i should have taken a notebook with me so that i could write notes to remember all the tidbits of wisdom that she shared with us. there was one thing that stood out among everything else that she said.

Holly mentioned one of C.S. Lewis' books (A Horse and His Boy) and how there is an analogy that really explains the Christian life. in the story the boy, Shasta, and the horse, Bree, are planning to escape from a life of servitude. Bree asks Shasta if he knows how to ride a horse and Shasta responses that he doesn't. Bree then asks, are you willing to fall to which Shasta says sure but Bree asks, are you willing to fall and then get back up and fall and get back up and fall and get back up over and over and over and over (times infinity) again. Holly mentioned that this is what the Christian life is like. we must be willing to fall and get up over and over and over (times infinity) again.

like i said before, i am not good at falling down. in fact, i suck at it. growing up i was the good two shoes, the golden child if you will. i did (almost) everything right and excelled at pretty much everything that mattered. my parents encouraged my to be the best that i could be and i hated (actually truly despised) when i failed at anything. and failing to me was not doing it 85% well. i did not fail. at anything. until i got to university. and then i realized that i do fail. and i realized how scared i am of falling. and how i do not fall well at all because, well, i just don't fall. i don't allow myself to fail.

while some may think this is good and all, the thing is, it has caused my dependence on God to be a real rocky ride. because Lisana doesn't fail, God can't use my weaknesses to glorify His name and make me that much stronger. so He has to break me. and it's at the point where i realize that i am going to fall. and i am terrified. completely and utterly terrified. why? because i'm not good at falling and getting back up. because i haven't really had to do it before. because i know that it's going to hurt. because it means that i am not the perfect person that i think that i am deep down inside. and because it means that i need to be okay disappointing my dad. and that for me is huge. like monstrous.

the only thing that i can do right now is cry out to God. i honestly don't know where this is going to go and how i am going to get through this (actually my head tells me that God will bring me through but my heart is definitely not feeling it right now). God give me strength and give me the desire to trust You. because right now i need to want to desire to trust You. if that makes any sense at all.

right now i am sitting at registration for winter conference (east) registering students from campuses all over eastern canada. it's so exciting see familiar faces and meeting new people. i can't wait to see what God has in store for each of us at this conference.

as i sit here, i remember how i wanted all distractions kept from me this week so that i could focus on God and what He wanted to say to me. it's so crazy that i have only been at this conference for 6 hours and the devil has placed distractions in my mind. it makes me realize how much i need God and how much i need to be filled with the Spirit on a moment by moment basis.

hopefully i will have time to update my blog this week and share what God has been teaching me. we'll see. i haven't been doing the greatest job since november but hopefully i will rectify that.

i love to bake. it's one of the things that i have loved since i was in my preteens. i am not much of a cooker (although i am trying to change that) but when it comes to baking - one time i baked banana bread for dinner because i was hungry and i didn't want to cook. 'nouf said.

this weekend we (my roomie and i) were almost out of flour. we had one cup left. she went to visit her sister and saw flour for cheap and decided to buy some while telling me not to purchase any. this put me in a dilemma cause i was in a baking mood this weekend.

well she is home now (sort-of) and yes, the flour is here. what was the first thing i did when i walked in the door from work? yep, i baked. these delicious cheesy biscuits. i couldn't help myself. they're in the oven right now.

i'm not much of a picture-taker-while-baking kinda person but there are pictures where i got the recipe from. i left out the bacon cause i didn't have any. still good anyway (yes i have had them before). anyhow check out the link yourself and see.

now for clean up. ughhh the worst part about baking. if only i had a maid...