falling down is not something that i am good at.

perhaps i should explain. today i had the privilege to eat lunch with Holly Sheldon (one of the main speakers at Winter Conference) and some of the other staff women. i loved being at lunch and learned a lot from Holly. she is very knowledgeable and i just wanted to soak in everything she said. part way through i remember thinking that i should have taken a notebook with me so that i could write notes to remember all the tidbits of wisdom that she shared with us. there was one thing that stood out among everything else that she said.

Holly mentioned one of C.S. Lewis' books (A Horse and His Boy) and how there is an analogy that really explains the Christian life. in the story the boy, Shasta, and the horse, Bree, are planning to escape from a life of servitude. Bree asks Shasta if he knows how to ride a horse and Shasta responses that he doesn't. Bree then asks, are you willing to fall to which Shasta says sure but Bree asks, are you willing to fall and then get back up and fall and get back up and fall and get back up over and over and over and over (times infinity) again. Holly mentioned that this is what the Christian life is like. we must be willing to fall and get up over and over and over (times infinity) again.

like i said before, i am not good at falling down. in fact, i suck at it. growing up i was the good two shoes, the golden child if you will. i did (almost) everything right and excelled at pretty much everything that mattered. my parents encouraged my to be the best that i could be and i hated (actually truly despised) when i failed at anything. and failing to me was not doing it 85% well. i did not fail. at anything. until i got to university. and then i realized that i do fail. and i realized how scared i am of falling. and how i do not fall well at all because, well, i just don't fall. i don't allow myself to fail.

while some may think this is good and all, the thing is, it has caused my dependence on God to be a real rocky ride. because Lisana doesn't fail, God can't use my weaknesses to glorify His name and make me that much stronger. so He has to break me. and it's at the point where i realize that i am going to fall. and i am terrified. completely and utterly terrified. why? because i'm not good at falling and getting back up. because i haven't really had to do it before. because i know that it's going to hurt. because it means that i am not the perfect person that i think that i am deep down inside. and because it means that i need to be okay disappointing my dad. and that for me is huge. like monstrous.

the only thing that i can do right now is cry out to God. i honestly don't know where this is going to go and how i am going to get through this (actually my head tells me that God will bring me through but my heart is definitely not feeling it right now). God give me strength and give me the desire to trust You. because right now i need to want to desire to trust You. if that makes any sense at all.