this post contains raw honesty. if that bothers you, stop reading now. you have been forewarned.


today at church Pastor Sébastien said something that really struck me. he made mention of how sometimes as Christians we will live in a way that doesn't believe that God is all-powerful and can work in any and every situation. he also mentioned that while there are some that are like that, what tends to happen is that they are told to stop being so trusting/having so much faith/etc. by other Christians. as he said that, the thought occurred to me: who am i living for? really? am i living for Jesus or am i living to be accepted into the Christian community around me? i knew what i wanted the answer to be, what most Christians want the answer to be. but i also knew in my heart of hearts what the real answer was. i am living to be accepted into the Christian community. 


i realized that it was in the subtle things and not so much in the big things. it's the things that shouldn't really matter that end up mattering. am i up to date on the latest songs? do i watch all the current shows and laugh about episodes that were amusing? do i laugh at the jokes that are sketch to show, yeah i don't have to be a Christian and be a prude? 


why do these things matter so much? why does acceptance matter to me so much? and if it does, shouldn't acceptance by the only One that matters be enough? why do i feel like i am being too prude when people want to watch something that i have felt God telling me i shouldn't be watching? why do i feel like an inconvenience when i am walking with people and refuse to cross at a red? why do i feel like i am taking my relationship with God too seriously? i know the answers to that. it's cause i am living to be accepted by Christians around me as opposed to being accepted by God. it's cause i prefer the praises of man rather than the praises of God. and when that dawned on me today, it shook me. it bothered me so much. i couldn't get that thought out of my head. 


i don't want to be like that. i want to live in the freedom that Christ provides. freedom to do as He says and to follow His guidance, no matter what other Christians may say. as much as my flesh hates it, i want to be that person that is always trusting God. for everything. and expecting big things from Him. 


yes, i know some of you just went all judgmental on me. fine. the only thing that i ask is that you search your own heart and see where you are and honestly judge yourself as well.