this year when my discipler and i met for the first time she asked me if there was anything that i wanted to go over this year. at the time i wasn't sure and now that i am discipling two other people, i was like - "well if i want to know, i'll look it up and kinda just teach myself". as i thought about it over the next little while, i realized that i really wanted to do a study on women who had given up their lives for the gospel. j (my discipler) found this book called Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God. it. is. amazing. if you are of the female gender and you are reading this post you must read this book. we are only on the second chapter but really, it has been amazing (umm i think i said that already but it's true). both j and i have really enjoyed it so far. the best part is you can read it for free at the link above. do it! you really have no excuse now. 

anyways, so j and i met today to talk about the second chapter which is on a woman named Lilias Trotter. we talked about what she gave up for the gospel and such. later on as i was doing my qt i was reminded that this is not my home and it made me think of how excited i am for heaven and how much i want to be there but at the same time how there are people i want to share the gospel with and how there are things that i want to experience before i die. that led me to think about Lilias Trotter again and how she gave up everything for the gospel. everything. not just somethings or some parts of her life but everything. yes i know i am being repetitive but let that sink in. everything. 

i began to ask myself, am i willing to give up everything for the gospel? really? honestly? am i willing to never get married? am i willing to never have starbucks again (as i sit here in a starbucks - thanks to being treated by my friend r)? to risk my dreams? my reputation? sure it's easy for me as a missionary to give the "sunday school answer" and say yes, but if i'm truly honest with myself i'm not. as terrified as i am to be married, i don't want to be single for the rest of my life. and let's be honest, i do want to know what it's like to have sex (can a missionary even say that?!?!). i'm not willing to risk my dreams or my reputation either. 

while i was contemplating these things, it bothered me deeply to know where my heart really is - that i want these things more than i want what Christ wants. and that's scary. it's scary to know that you are at a point in your life where you are saying that Christ is number one in your life but in reality your actions and your daily decisions are showing that he isn't. it's times like these where i just want to die and go to heaven cause i am so tired of fighting the flesh and tired of not realizing how selfish i am until i sit and ask myself the hard questions. 

in reality i'm a selfish, selfish person who only gives when it doesn't inconvenience me. i seem so kind and generous but really, it's only to benefit me and my wants and my desires (or it's a situation where someone has asked and i just can't say no - but that's a topic for another time). how unChrist-like is that? umm very. i need a heart makeover. and only from the One who can change my heart. 

so as i have mentioned on facebook and twitter, this is my third night in a row baking. i will be honest as say that i didn't eat all of the stuff i baked but i have eaten/will be eating quite a bit of it. anyways so tonight i wanted something salty (last night i baked biscotti and cinammon buttermilk muffins). i decided to go with bacon, cheddar onion biscuits. i found a recipe on the pioneer woman last year and absolutely love it. i wanted to experiment with the recipe and, having baked cheddar garlic biscuits two weeks ago, i decided to switch up the onion with the garlic. best. decision. ever. i have already scarfed down two biscuits and am dying for a third but am trying to show some self-restraint. 

anyways here's the recipe (with adaptations) if you want to try. enjoy! i sure did :D

adapted from The Pioneer Woman 

Ingredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 cup vegetable shortening (i have used butter before and prefer that. i didn't this time cause i just finished it yesterday)
• 10 tbsp milk (i used 2%)
• 4 tbsp vegetable oil
• 1 egg
• 10 slices of bacon, fried and crumbled 
• 1 tsp garlic powder (i love garlic and these were garlicy. if you don't love garlic all that much reduce the amount you put it)
• 1 cup cheddar cheese

Prep Time!

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Using a pastry cutter, cut in shortening (or butter) until all combined. 

Combine milk, oil and egg in a separate bowl. Whisk together.

Combine flour mixture, milk mixture, bacon, garlic powder and cheddar cheese in a large bowl. Stir gently until all combined.  

spoon batter into well greased muffin tins (since i am lazy, i used baking cups - yay for easy clean up!). Bake for 20-22 minutes at 375 degrees until golden. Remove form pan and serve warm. 

recently i have been doing a book study on the book of Daniel (in the Bible). to be more specific, it's a Beth Moore study and i love it! one of the things that we focused on recently was who Jesus really is. there is a part in Daniel chapter 10 that talks about a man and the way that this man is described, it is very similar to the way Jesus is described in Revelation 19. the cool thing was that right before i reached this portion in the Beth Moore study, i was working through crudoctrine for my STEP year with C4C. one of the passages we looked at was Revelation 19. 

i have read both the passages listed above before. more than once. but for some reason it never changed my view about Jesus. having grown up in the church and hearing about "gentle Jesus meek and mild" i tend to have this view of Jesus being sweet and caring and humble and kind. while He IS these things, those are not the only characteristics He portrays. when i read the above passages, especially the one in Revelation 19, i realized that my view of Jesus was small. very small. too small. i knew that He was going to come and defeat Satan but it was more a fact that i knew as opposed to something that i really understood (if that makes sense). reading about Jesus riding on a white horse, dressed in a robe dipped in blood, having eyes like a flame of fire, and that He makes war (in righteousness of course) blew my mind. this is not the Jesus i pictured when i thought about Him. not at all. it totally expanded my perspective of Jesus. it also made me realize how often i view the graceful side of Jesus and forget about how He will bring justice and how there will be judgement. 

read Daniel 10 and Revelation 19. really. don't just skim it either. take quality time with each chapter. it's totally worth it! and look, i even made it easy for you, just click the links above ;) 

On Tuesday I leave the beautiful city I am in and return chez mes parents for two months. I usually enjoy going home because I love spending time with my siblings (as much as they annoy me at times) and my parents. I miss hanging out with my close friends so it's great being able to be home.


Speaking of home, where is home now? For me, I'm not quite sure. I came to this city to study, thinking I would get my degree and peace out like most other students do. Then came the internship and with that I was able to get more involved in my church. Suffice to say, I, for what may be the first time, am not really wanting to leave. Sure I have most of my close friends within an hour of where my parent's live but being there is just not the same. Maybe I'll feel different once I am chez mes parents but I'm not sure. Which brings me back to my original question, where is home? Everytime I enter my parent's house, it feels like home. Probably because I lived there for so long. At the same time, my current city is feeling more and more like home everyday.

At what point do you decide that the (somewhat temproary) home you have made for yourself is actually home and not just a home away from home? When you go to university? When you graduate and start a job? When you move all your home bank branches to the city you live in? When you get married? I'm not quite sure. For right now? I'm in limbo land.

i knew i wasn't good at this whole blogging thing. like i said before, it's cause i blog in my head. i'm the one that you see sitting by herself, perfectly content, mind going 1000 kilometers a second. no joke. i would have to be a stenographer to be able to get everything out of my head and in written word...

this post contains raw honesty. if that bothers you, stop reading now. you have been forewarned.


today at church Pastor Sébastien said something that really struck me. he made mention of how sometimes as Christians we will live in a way that doesn't believe that God is all-powerful and can work in any and every situation. he also mentioned that while there are some that are like that, what tends to happen is that they are told to stop being so trusting/having so much faith/etc. by other Christians. as he said that, the thought occurred to me: who am i living for? really? am i living for Jesus or am i living to be accepted into the Christian community around me? i knew what i wanted the answer to be, what most Christians want the answer to be. but i also knew in my heart of hearts what the real answer was. i am living to be accepted into the Christian community. 


i realized that it was in the subtle things and not so much in the big things. it's the things that shouldn't really matter that end up mattering. am i up to date on the latest songs? do i watch all the current shows and laugh about episodes that were amusing? do i laugh at the jokes that are sketch to show, yeah i don't have to be a Christian and be a prude? 


why do these things matter so much? why does acceptance matter to me so much? and if it does, shouldn't acceptance by the only One that matters be enough? why do i feel like i am being too prude when people want to watch something that i have felt God telling me i shouldn't be watching? why do i feel like an inconvenience when i am walking with people and refuse to cross at a red? why do i feel like i am taking my relationship with God too seriously? i know the answers to that. it's cause i am living to be accepted by Christians around me as opposed to being accepted by God. it's cause i prefer the praises of man rather than the praises of God. and when that dawned on me today, it shook me. it bothered me so much. i couldn't get that thought out of my head. 


i don't want to be like that. i want to live in the freedom that Christ provides. freedom to do as He says and to follow His guidance, no matter what other Christians may say. as much as my flesh hates it, i want to be that person that is always trusting God. for everything. and expecting big things from Him. 


yes, i know some of you just went all judgmental on me. fine. the only thing that i ask is that you search your own heart and see where you are and honestly judge yourself as well. 

i have found a new love. biscotti. i made some a couple weeks ago for free indeed at my church. it was divine. this evening i was craving something sweet and so i decided, why not biscotti? 

i found a recipe by joy the baker but didn't want to use butter because biscotti isn't supposed to have butter, oil or any liquids. the moisture comes from the eggs that you put in (oh and the vanilla too). i really wanted cinnamon sugar biscotti and so i decided to adapt a recipe that didn't have butter. here's what i did:

recipe adapted from joy of baking.com

3 large eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
2 cups AP flour
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1.5 tsp cinnamon


in a small bowl lightly beat the eggs and vanilla together. set aside.

in a large bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. mix until blended. gradually add the egg mixture and mix until a dough forms. roll dough on a lightly floured surface into a log (i made mine too thick and short so make sure that you make the log long). alternatively, you can separate the dough and make two shorter logs, whichever you prefer. 


transfer dough to a baking sheet lined with parchment paper (i don't use that stuff and so i just buttered my baking sheet - use whatever you want, you just don't want it to stick). bake for 30-40 minutes or until firm to touch. 


remove from oven and let cool for 7-10 minutes. after it cools cut the log into slices using a serrated knife. arrange on a baking sheet. make sure that none of the slices are overlapping each other. 

return the baking pan to the oven and bake the slices for 10 minutes on each side. biscotti should be firm to the touch. 


if you are like me and you like your biscotti chewy, eat right away or wait for them to cool and store in an air-tight container. if you want to be correct and have stone hard biscotti, leave the slices out overnight to harden and then store in an air-tight container. 


delicious! (seriously, i have eaten three slices while writing this post and am working on my fourth - sad i know.)


on another note, my discipler got engaged yesterday. i'm so happy for her! love is definitely in the air in montreal and it's not even valentine's day yet...