this year when my discipler and i met for the first time she asked me if there was anything that i wanted to go over this year. at the time i wasn't sure and now that i am discipling two other people, i was like - "well if i want to know, i'll look it up and kinda just teach myself". as i thought about it over the next little while, i realized that i really wanted to do a study on women who had given up their lives for the gospel. j (my discipler) found this book called Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God. it. is. amazing. if you are of the female gender and you are reading this post you must read this book. we are only on the second chapter but really, it has been amazing (umm i think i said that already but it's true). both j and i have really enjoyed it so far. the best part is you can read it for free at the link above. do it! you really have no excuse now. 

anyways, so j and i met today to talk about the second chapter which is on a woman named Lilias Trotter. we talked about what she gave up for the gospel and such. later on as i was doing my qt i was reminded that this is not my home and it made me think of how excited i am for heaven and how much i want to be there but at the same time how there are people i want to share the gospel with and how there are things that i want to experience before i die. that led me to think about Lilias Trotter again and how she gave up everything for the gospel. everything. not just somethings or some parts of her life but everything. yes i know i am being repetitive but let that sink in. everything. 

i began to ask myself, am i willing to give up everything for the gospel? really? honestly? am i willing to never get married? am i willing to never have starbucks again (as i sit here in a starbucks - thanks to being treated by my friend r)? to risk my dreams? my reputation? sure it's easy for me as a missionary to give the "sunday school answer" and say yes, but if i'm truly honest with myself i'm not. as terrified as i am to be married, i don't want to be single for the rest of my life. and let's be honest, i do want to know what it's like to have sex (can a missionary even say that?!?!). i'm not willing to risk my dreams or my reputation either. 

while i was contemplating these things, it bothered me deeply to know where my heart really is - that i want these things more than i want what Christ wants. and that's scary. it's scary to know that you are at a point in your life where you are saying that Christ is number one in your life but in reality your actions and your daily decisions are showing that he isn't. it's times like these where i just want to die and go to heaven cause i am so tired of fighting the flesh and tired of not realizing how selfish i am until i sit and ask myself the hard questions. 

in reality i'm a selfish, selfish person who only gives when it doesn't inconvenience me. i seem so kind and generous but really, it's only to benefit me and my wants and my desires (or it's a situation where someone has asked and i just can't say no - but that's a topic for another time). how unChrist-like is that? umm very. i need a heart makeover. and only from the One who can change my heart. 

so as i have mentioned on facebook and twitter, this is my third night in a row baking. i will be honest as say that i didn't eat all of the stuff i baked but i have eaten/will be eating quite a bit of it. anyways so tonight i wanted something salty (last night i baked biscotti and cinammon buttermilk muffins). i decided to go with bacon, cheddar onion biscuits. i found a recipe on the pioneer woman last year and absolutely love it. i wanted to experiment with the recipe and, having baked cheddar garlic biscuits two weeks ago, i decided to switch up the onion with the garlic. best. decision. ever. i have already scarfed down two biscuits and am dying for a third but am trying to show some self-restraint. 

anyways here's the recipe (with adaptations) if you want to try. enjoy! i sure did :D

adapted from The Pioneer Woman 

Ingredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 cup vegetable shortening (i have used butter before and prefer that. i didn't this time cause i just finished it yesterday)
• 10 tbsp milk (i used 2%)
• 4 tbsp vegetable oil
• 1 egg
• 10 slices of bacon, fried and crumbled 
• 1 tsp garlic powder (i love garlic and these were garlicy. if you don't love garlic all that much reduce the amount you put it)
• 1 cup cheddar cheese

Prep Time!

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Using a pastry cutter, cut in shortening (or butter) until all combined. 

Combine milk, oil and egg in a separate bowl. Whisk together.

Combine flour mixture, milk mixture, bacon, garlic powder and cheddar cheese in a large bowl. Stir gently until all combined.  

spoon batter into well greased muffin tins (since i am lazy, i used baking cups - yay for easy clean up!). Bake for 20-22 minutes at 375 degrees until golden. Remove form pan and serve warm.